Sit back. Relax. Clear your head of all clutter, all prejudice, and think back to 1997 and the glorious heyday of the Spice Girls. Think of the swooning '2 Become 1', the irresistible 'Say You'll Be There', the manically infectious 'Spice Up Your Life'. God, they were good, weren't they? Now prepare to forget it all forever as Mel C finally kills off the last bit of good will the Spice Girls ever earnt with 'Reason'.
It's not that this is an unlistenable or despicable record. Unlike Mel B and Victoria Beckham's efforts, it doesn't demand the return of capital punishment. But as the only Spice Girl who anyone had any hopes left for, this listless collection of half written songs sounds like the fat lady singing for the Spice Girls.
'Reason' doesn't so much travel the middle of the road as stake itself out on it and beg an HGV to put it out of its misery. This is particularly disappointing given that Mel C's debut - though as lumpy and uneven as her ex-bandmate's complexions - boasted a spiky personality and a clutch of bright, brilliant pop tunes.
It would take a forensic scientist several years to find one here. Opener, 'Here It Comes Again', comes closest, its verses struggling manfully towards what just might be a chorus, before collapsing in a heap through the effort. It's followed by the title track, which showcases Chisholm's still considerable, eccentric vocal talents, but employs them on the type of piano-led power ballad that Tasmin Archer used to torture dogs with.
Chisholm once displayed a lively, dry scouse intelligence, but months recording in LA's sun seems to have dried her brains out. Back in the day, the Pet Shop Boys mooted the idea of recording a joke single, employing every pop clichépossible. Now they needn't bother, Chisholm's beaten them to it. On the agreeably breezy 'On The Horizon', she regrets that "this world can be so hard to tak" though now she's found a boyfriend "all she sees is love, sweet love" so, baby, she's "flying". How nice.
'Melt' is just as lyrically embarrassing ("save a little bit of love for yourself", indeed), but Guy Chambers at least provides a yearning, sunny melody that could sound just right on Radio One on a bright spring day. The only place the deadly earnest, deadly dull 'Soul Boy' might sound right would be in a Swansea shopping centre during a downpour. 'Let's Love', meanwhile, starts with promisingly raucous guitars but deteriorates into No Doubt without the fun or the funk.
The Spice Girls - collectively and individually - have been on life support for a long time now. It's time to pull the plug.
