The pop industry, that evil factory. Stage school zombies moulded into bland stereotypes and wheeled onto CD:UK. A conveyor belt churning out fast food music with neither meaning nor craft. Sinister svengalis crafting schemes to rob helpless teenage girls of their cash.
Bollocks, of course. If it was that easy to dupe the public, why are charity shop shelves nationwide groaning under the weight of singles by the 21st Century Girls, Northern Line and Jonathan Wilkes? Why did Steps' impersonation of Abba on amphetamines sell by the bucketload, while the identical Deuce sank without a trace?
The answer is simply the power of the great pop song, a solitary one of which can fuel a whole career. Think of Robbie Williams' 'Angels' or the Spice Girls' 'Wannabe'. Or S Club and their two moments of genius: the delirious, whooping 'S Club Party' and the irresistible dancefloor stomp of 'Don't Stop Moving'. This was party music, not arty music, and S Club proved Noel Coward's maxim on the potency of cheap music.
Certainly S Club's eleven top 5 hits can't be chalked up to professionalism or charisma. S Club were usually the most shambolic of pop groups, most likely because - like a group of foreign exchange students - there were simply too many of them to organise. On TV, they looked like a glue-sniffing youth club, disdaining choreography for the simple joy of bouncing endlessly up and down or running into each other. And their attempts at singing live reached a memorable nadir during the Queen's Jubilee pop show, when Bradley barked and hacked like a clubbed seal to the doubtless pleasure of Her Majesty.
So what it comes down to is the music, man, celebrated on this inevitable hits collection, which trumps Five or All Saints by virtue of actually including a lot of hits. S Club specialised in Alco-pop - cheap, fizzy and full of calories, but refreshingly potent in the right mood. At times it could make you feel sick, as on the Disney Channel bounciness of first number one, 'Bring It All Back', or the maudlin ballads 'Have You Ever' and 'Love Ain't Gonna Wait For You'.
But given the right material, S Club brought a charming, raucous energy to the charts. As well as the two highs mentioned earlier, 'Reach' and 'You're My Number One' were giddy Motown pastiches of the kind the Spice Girls perfected with 'Stop', while 'Two In A Million' was that rarest of creatures, a sweet melodic ballad that didn't make you want to remove your ears with an ice cream scoop.
It's hard to imagine any of these songs being played in twenty years, but right now we're left with an accomplished, happy pop album, tailor made for drunken weddings and house parties. Admit it, you'll miss them.
