As we are all no doubt aware, Fred Durst is a man with "issues". A grown man stuck in teenagers clothing with a teenager's emotions. A man uncomfortable in his own skin. Everyday Fred undergoes some serious internal wrangling: what is he? A fragile misunderstood soul or a mutherf*ckin' pimp? Fred don't know. He's confused. He's angry. And he's gonna tell us his pain.
As such, 'Results May Vary' differs little from each preceding Bizkit album. It resembles nothing less than a psychiatrist's report. A journey into the head of Fred - a bit like 'John Malkovich' only there's more space. So put on your headphones, let the man nestle down on the couch, and kick back as it all comes out.
'Eat You Alive', the opening track, offers a microcosm of Fred's troubles. We all know he's been having, whisper it, "woman trouble" - not least because he hasn't stopped blathering about it on limpbizkit.com for the past six months. What with that bitch Spears playing him like a sucka and then that Halliwell hoe getting her claws into him. Can't they see, my man Fred's a sensitive guy.
Or is he?
"I'd love to sniff on them panties now," he cries like a horny bear fresh outta the hibernation hole. "I'd like to eat you alive!" Jesus! Fred, down boy. That libido's outta hand! You're making a mess of the rug. And you thought Britney only wanted the charm and company. By the end of the song these damn chicks are driving him "absolutely insane". This is it. This is the real Bizkit.
But what's this? Fast-forward to 'The Only One' and Durst is transformed. Suddenly he's combed his hair and carrying flowers. "I ain't looking to screw until the vibe's right," he coos, delivering the lady back fifteen-minutes before curfew. Come on Fred, what's goin' on? I thought we were panty sniffin' here. Are you turning pussy?
What? No way!!! Fred ain't no pussy. Y'know why? He's hanging with Snoop! Snoop Dogg, man. This here's gangsta shit. On 'Red Light-Green Light' That's right - Snoop's pimpin' himself out on a Bizit joint! Phew, this is all so confusing. What's that you're singing now Fred? "Save me, save me, before I drown." You're drowning Fred? We're all drowning.
And on it goes... Fred's pain. Fred's revenge. Fred's tears. When he's not beating some poor soul with a baseball bat, then he's fighting back tears to The Who's 'Behind Blue Eyes'. One minute we're kickin' ass in the mosh pit and next we're breaking out the lighters.
Eventually, 'Results May Vary' could become a fascinating document - a frightening insight into the vacuous state of 21st century culture. Students of the future will hopefully scratch their heads over its contents. Like a 'Dude Where's My Car 3'. Like another 'American Pie' sequel. Another shopping mall. Like a Nike trainer stamping on a human face forever.
