At the peak of the brilliantly unlikely Gareth and Jordan rumours earlier this year, one of the funniest was that Jordan's 'proof' of their affair consisted of a text from Gareth apologising for his performance being a little, um, rushed. This could explain why he's made the inexplicable decision to release a double album: evidence that he can make it past the three-minute mark.
Not that 'Go Your Own Way' is as egregiously awful as expected. It's just that even artists as creatively prolific as Prince often strain to fill four sides of vinyl, let alone insipid Bradford choirboys. It's going to be a difficult few months for popsters looking to pad out their records with bland ballads: Gareth has already reaped the last of this year's harvest.
At least Gareth manages to overturn one misconception. Often derided as a puppet, he actually proves himself to be more of an impressionist. He tackles the album like a one-man gala version of 'Stars In Their Eyes', doing impressive turns as Michael Jackson, Jay Kay, Robbie Williams and, repeatedly and most accurately, George Michael.
Recent single 'Sunshine' opens the album and sets a high standard with its breezy hummability and luscious production. Its failure to hit the top of the charts and its subsequent plummet from the top 20 is yet more evidence that reality pop stars, like all shoddy mass market merchandise, just aren't built to last.
The album has three modes: pleasant, well produced mid-tempo pop ('Groove With Me', 'Go Your Own Way'), abhorrently sentimental balladeering ('Say It Isn't So') and the frankly bizarre. In the latter category falls the astonishing 'Enough Of Me', which steals the crunching riff from N*E*R*D's 'Lapdance' (fact!), over which Gareth growlingly proclaims - to paraphrase - that he's a nice, down-to-earth famous person who signs autographs happily and really loves his fans. Grannies will love the sentiment but loathe the song.
Gareth does erratically try to liven up his image, but when that image is stammering mummy's boy, it's hard to become a sex god. When he suggests in 'Groove With Me' that he'd like to 'take you on a ride', a merry-go-round seems likelier than a hot, sweaty gang bang. Gareth's even worse at clubbing: in the busy, peppy pop of 'Club Hoppin'' he wants to 'conversate a bit with my peeps', a line which would make a CITV presenter's skin crawl.
When Gareth does relax, as on the louche, nimble party number that is 'Foolish', he has a genuine charm, but his fear for his career is both understandable and palpable. Report card should read: "Must try less hard."
