It's 7.30pm on a grey Saturday night in East London. A queue of predominately teenage fans snakes around the swanky new Ocean venue in oh-so-trendy Hackney. Welcome to pop 2001 style.
Once inside there's no alcohol on sale and a sprinkling of parents shepherding toddlers like Jade, who at the tender age of four is attending her first concert, accompanied by mum Pat and older sister Karen.
Clutching an a1 flag, Jade is hoisted onto her mother's shoulders to witness the action as Ben, Paul, Mark and Christian get proceedings underway. Being keen to stress the fact that they're a proper band rather than a mere pop outfit, Mark mostly sits at a keyboard while Christian plays guitar and sports a fetching 'serious muso' bandana.
The lads mix their own hits ('Same Old Brand New You', 'Everytime', 'Ready Or Not') with a karaoke-style passage where they massacre The Beatles' 'I Feel Fine' and 'She Loves You' and The Commodores' 'Three Times A Lady'. Even more surprisingly they tackle Oasis' 'Don't Look Back In Anger', a song released before the frantically flag-waving Jade was even born.
Mark introduces it as a "song you'd never have thought you'd hear us play" and wryly dedicates it to Noel Gallagher, "one of our biggest fans, he always mentions us in his interviews". The assembled throng don't quite know what to make of it, as Christian pulls off a virtually note-perfect replica of Noel's solo and Paul spits out the lyrics with a manic gleam in his eyes.
After that momentary lapse of reason, it's back to the swoonsome stuff, with Ben going solo for 'I'll Take The Tears'. The guys bow out with 'Take On Me', still their greatest moment. Unfortunately it's a cover. Still, Jade seems happy, bouncing away on mum's shoulders. Then, in the first of the evening's blaze of pyrotechnics, they are gone.
The anticipation is palpable as we await the arrival of those five people from off the telly. Sadly, the wait for Hear'Say's fully-fledged live debut continues. Emerging from the stage door in a cloud of dry ice, 'Stars In Their Eyes'-style, the famous five shriek their hellos then take their places for 'that song'.
It's an odd spectacle, with the band singing live over backing tapes, which means they're curiously like puppets. At the end of each song, the strings slacken and they can talk to the audience for thirty seconds or so before they have to assume their poses for the next track.
Up next after 'Pure And Simple' is forthcoming single 'The Way To Your Love' before their truly wretched cover of 'Bridge Over Troubled Water' and the far more promising 'One'. It's clear they're still concentrating intently on following their carefully choreographed moves and making sure no-one sings a wrong note. Only Kym and Noel exude any star quality, or indeed seem capable of singing and interacting with the audience at the same time.
After those four songs, they're gone, to the disappointment of much of the crowd. It looks as if we'll have to wait for their arena tour to judge whether this thing really is going to last.
The throng at the front gets noticeably more teenage as we await the entrance of Five. The lads stroll on to an ecstatic reception from their adoring public but pretty soon it becomes apparent something is wrong. It's certainly not J's night - he forgets the words to 'Everbody Get Up', complains that his trousers are too tight and narrowly escapes being set on fire during one pyrotechnic explosion.
Only Ritchie seems really up for it, cheerleading the crowd through 'If Ya Gettin' Down', 'Slam Dunk (Da Funk)' and 'When The Lights Go Out'. Abs looks bored throughout and 'Keep On Movin' is the only solid gold moment in an uninspired set that predictably climaxes with 'We Will Rock You'. The lads apologise between every song for not playing any new material but they can't save this sorry spectacle.
By that time, our four-year debutant has seen enough, so Mum brings her down from her shoulders and leads her to the exit. And they aren't the only people heading for the doors early. Outside, a gaggle of weary-looking parents wait to pick up their charges. It's been a long night all round.
