There are times dear readers when the brave souls at dotmusic risk life and limb to bring you reports of the goings on at various events. You may scoff but take it from us it can be dangerous out there. Tonight is no exception, taking a trip to O-Town is no walk in the park. The atmosphere in the main auditorium is charged to say the least. A few thousand teenage girls, being picked up by mum and dad later, are whipping themselves up into an uncontrollable state of sheer unadulterated pandemonium.
There are a couple of warm-ups to run through before the heroes of Making The Band (the US version of Popstars) arrive. First up is Kaci, a mixture of Britney brashness and Gloria Estefan style, Latino pop all packaged in a tiny but disturbingly curvaceous 14 year-old. Drowned out by her backing tapes she sings along while her male dancers keep the decibel level dangerously high. Then it's Warren Stacey and not just any old Warren Stacey, but Warren 'the Popstars reject' Stacey. Now with a solo deal, he runs through a dull four-song set including his new single 'My Girl, My Girl'. It's nothing out of the ordinary, there are no discernible tunes and as a result he is likely to land in the bargain bins quicker than a Hear'Say album.
After he's gone the atmosphere reaches an intense state of berserk, menacing panic. Afraid to take a seat among the throng dotmusic finds a small alcove at the back and pretends to be an usher. When the lights go down it's time to take cover and prey that your hearing isn't permanently damaged.
The five modestly successful, fresh-faced fellas dance, sing and smile their way through a show, drilled to perfection and featuring every cliché in the pop textbook. Their backing band, old enough to be most of the audiences' great granddads are quite a contrast with their pot bellies and receding, pony-tailed hair lines. Oddly, as they step forth for rock out guitar solos it's a little like watching old men masturbate.
The set resembles a cast off from an amateur dramatic production of West Side Story with its cardboard skyscrapers and silver paint. Acoustic guitars are produced at every opportunity as they explore a new light rock direction and they each perform a solo cover of their choice. One of them opting for an astonishing, side-splitting sing-a-long version of OutKast's 'Ms Jackson'. Really, you had to be there.
Their encore includes a rapturously received 'Liquid Dreams', surely the only song about an affliction affecting pubescent boys to hit the top ten, and an almighty power ballad to end all power ballads. A mixture of Backstreet cheese and 'Nsync sweetness they throw the right shapes and oh so sincere emotional expressions. It's just that in this pre-packed pop snack we've seen the ingredients. They may try to appear exotic, organic and tasty but in reality are processed, flat and full of artificial additives. Just don't tell the fans we said so. PLEASE!
